This is a tough one.
Those of us who need healing the most often have difficulty believing that we are capable of reaching it. We suffer from insecurity, self-doubt, depression and anxiety, among a variety of other issues, all arising from our trauma history. We are afraid that we cannot heal not only because we don’t believe in ourselves, but because the idea of trying and falling back down into the intensity of despair where we usually dwell is too much to bear.
I have a deep-seated fear of failure that’s been a handicap on my growth for as long as I can remember. If I don’t try, I can’t fail. Logically, I also can’t succeed – but I learned a long time ago that it’s better to stay where it’s familiar and comfortable, because that’s safe. The world was never a secure place for me as a child, and I grew up feeling suspicious of change. Most of the changes that happened in my youth resulted in difficulty, chaos, and stress. It makes sense that my brain tells me now not to stray too far from what I already know. It believes this is the best way to protect me from further hardship.
When I stop letting my brain take over and instead sink into my body, I find a different narrative. I crave healing. I crave growth. I crave intrinsic knowledge of myself. I feel trapped, hopeless and depressed because I’ve succumbed to my brain’s desires for most of my adult life. Stay safe and secure, it told me. You have only yourself to rely on, and you can’t mess this up. If you don’t make the correct choices, you are going to ruin your entire life.
Well, guess what? I made a bunch of safe choices – or pretended to pursue my dreams in a half-assed manner because of my fears – and I don’t feel like that’s done anything for my life. This isn’t to say I’ve had a bad time. I’m lucky in so many ways, and privileged in even more. I’m saying that playing small isn’t serving me, even though the prospect of failure always looms over me when I leap. I’ve decided that in order to further my life, I must work on creating safety in my body and trust in myself so that I can listen to intuition and override the anxiety that originates in my mind.
I’ve been very resistant to my own ability to heal. When I’m feeling good and making progress, I’m excited and full of hope. As soon as I hit a blockage, or even regress a bit, that fear kicks right back in. The idea of failing at healing terrifies me, because if I can’t heal, then what do I have left?
This is just a harmful mindset that I’m now applying to healing just like I’ve applied it to everything else in my life. It’s time to stop. I’m done. I’m done living without faith in myself and my abilities. What’s the point of life if I’m only skating along, unwilling to commit to what my body and heart are screaming for, regardless of how I try to ignore them?
I can heal. You can heal. There is no endgame – healing is a lifelong journey, and it won’t be a linear one, but it’s the most important action you can take towards finding fulfillment in every other area as well. Don’t be afraid that you’ll “fail” at healing. That’s impossible. Every day that you work to better yourself is a day well spent. Even if you feel like you aren’t progressing or maybe like you’re even regressing to old habits, don’t give up. Sometimes you just have to keep at it and trust that results will come, even when you can’t see them yet.
Healing is not a prize to achieve. It’s a way of life. Buckle down and get used to it – actually, get excited about it! It’s amazing that you’ve discovered the desire to grow and evolve, and your life will only become better from here on out.
Let’s embark on this healing journey together. I’m right next to you, and we have a lot to learn! You got this. I love you.