What If You Are The Light You Seek?

This isn’t really a what if… you are the light.

Oftentimes our inner light – the specific truth we each carry inside of us – lies shrouded in the darkness of the stories we tell ourselves. Thus we believe that we are damaged, tainted, irredeemable. We give up hope in ourselves and instead look outward for someone or something who will save us. The lies in our minds take over and we lose sight of our inherent value.

We live in a world full of humans searching for the light, desperately, listening to anything and everything that seems like it might show us the way. We numb ourselves with television, alcohol, drugs, sex, social media, trying to avoid dealing with the pain that lives in us, the trauma built up over the years. We listen to the poison of a materialistic society that tells us if we buy enough stuff, we’ll feel better. So much time and energy wasted seeking out what’s been waiting patiently inside us the entire time, there whenever we choose to acknowledge it.

Why are we so afraid of our own light?

Perhaps you have been unhappy so long that you are perpetually stuck in your mind, trusting the lies your survivalist brain tells you. Perhaps you, like me not long ago, are so disconnected from your body and intuition that you don’t understand the first thing about accessing their magic.

I didn’t believe there was light inside me either. My cynical, bitter attitude towards anything and everything spiritual prevented me from seeing that we all have worth, simply by virtue of existing. I hated myself so much that the concept didn’t make sense to me. If everything has worth, than I too have worth, and that did not line up with the low self-esteem I’d shouldered my entire life.

When we are in that much pain, we are trapped inside the torture chamber of our minds. I understand. Not so long ago, I had never even heard of any of this. I read a book called The Body Keeps The Score, and it helped me understand how trauma is stored in the blueprint of our bodies and imprinted into our nervous system, and that when the brain tries to protect us from perceived threats it’s actually keeping us trapped. The book is far too detailed to explain here, but if you want to understand how you are wired and why, I highly recommend it.

Understanding the interconnectedness of the body and mind and how trauma fucks everything up marked a turning point for me. For the first time in my life, I realize I don’t have to blame myself and judge myself for the ways I learned to survive when I was younger. None of it is actually my fault. I am just stuck in old ways of protecting myself that are no longer needed. That was the beginning of my perspective shift.

When I felt allowed to stop blaming and hating myself, it became easier to start to like myself. Slowly but surely, I began inhabiting my body and listening to my intuition instead of letting my anxiety take over. Anxiety is just an overactive mind in full-on protective mode and a nervous system that is stuck in high alert and doesn’t know how to relax. I realize now that I’m not hopeless or permanently broken, but simply caught in a place that I can work my way out of, and so I’ve started doing so. And it’s creating so much magic.

I don’t hate myself anymore. I like myself most of the time, and sometimes even celebrate myself. I’ve made massive strides in regulating and rebalancing my nervous system, and I’m so proud of the work that got me where I am today. It’s a constant process, but feeling the improvements heartens me and helps me move forward in my journey.

I can finally see the light inside me. It’s a beautiful feeling.

You have the light inside you too. We all do. It could be buried under so much rubbish that you’re convinced it’s extinguished, but that’s impossible. It’s always going to be there, waiting for you to step into it. You’ll never lose it, so take your time peeling back the layers of your pain. There’s no rush, and you can access your unique radiance. Gentle gentle. You deserve to step into your light, and you matter. Sending you so much love.

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