Oh, love. We are always rushing love.
The excitement of infatuation can be a dangerous thing. Especially in today’s world, we meet someone – often online before in person – and begin to idealize who they are, who they could be, and how they might fit into our lives. This usually happens when we barely know them, and by the time we understand that we aren’t compatible in crucial ways, we are often deep in lust, attached, and unwilling to let go.
Maybe this isn’t you. If not, I’m so happy for you! It’s not a fun place to be, involved with a person and realizing too late that they aren’t truly compatible, but knowing how much it’ll hurt to say goodbye.
I clearly have personal experience with all of this, so I completely understand your struggle if you’re picking up what I’m putting down. For my entire life I had a very unrealistic and romantic idea of love. Maybe I read too many cheesy books as a kid, I don’t know. I’m sure my trauma patterns and mother wound have a lot to do with it as well. Whatever it may be, I always believed that instant attraction and chemistry were what made a perfect happily-ever-after.
Obviously that’s not the case at all, it’s just an unrealistic idea that the world sells us. Why aren’t we ever taught to go slow? That to have a great partnership, it’s best to get to know someone really well and work out whether you have the same vision for life first?
After all, what’s the rush? I honestly believe that no one who is meant to be in your life can be lost. Even if the relationship shifts and morphs, they won’t actually leave. And if that’s the case, then why jump into love blindly before finding out if your potential partner shares your core values and world view?
I don’t think we understand how to move slowly with anything in today’s society. Technology certainly hasn’t helped that at all. The world is all about instant gratification, and that goes for sex, love and intimacy also. It’s a large part of the reason I now refuse to even attempt using dating apps. Honestly, the kind of person I want to be with will not be using one either, so why waste my time?
What if instead of jumping in, you slowed it down? What if you considered yourself worthy enough of a potential partner really taking their time with you – and trusted that if they aren’t okay with that, they aren’t for you?
It’s hard to ask for what you need when you feel you’ll be rejected for it, but if you come from a mental place where your worth is paramount and you are grateful for the knowledge that someone isn’t willing to put in the work … it changes things. Drastically. It’s not an easy shift, but once you begin to realize how good it actually feels to lose people who aren’t for you, you get better at it.
Doing the work isn’t easy, but you matter. You deserve someone who wants to get to know you and who is fully in by the time you commit. There’s no rush – what’s for you will stay. If they don’t stay, they aren’t for you. It’s that simple. Nothing personal, nothing to cling to, nothing to get mad about – just let them leave. Keep practicing non-attachment and get curious about what you want from a partner while you’re on this journey.
I love you. You deserve someone who chooses you completely and with joy, over and over again. Take your time. Breathe. You can do this.