I’m having a huge pity party for myself right now.
This isn’t how I envisioned my return to Costa Rica going, and my inner child is kicking and screaming. She’s mad that it always feels like something is getting in the way of me making progress and moving in a direction more in alignment with what I want to be doing. She’s frustrated that it always seems to be someone else’s crisis happening while she’s left holding the bag and keeping everything together – just like it’s always been. She’s tired of picking up the slack and pretending she doesn’t have any needs.
I tried to start writing something positive and uplifting, but the truth is that today, I just can’t. I barely have the energy and time to write anything at all, and I’m irritated by that as well. To be completely honest, I’m lying here in bed crying in the dark and trying to finish this so I have something to put up tomorrow.
It’s amazing how quickly too much work, lack of exercise, lack of freedom and space to work on my own shit, and guilt over not using every possible free moment to its full potential can put me into a very dark place. I can’t get anything done because I’m too tired, and I can’t sleep because I feel paralyzed with guilt and frustration over everything I’m not accomplishing for myself.
I get scared when I feel trapped, and that’s where I’m at right now. I don’t want to be back in that position. It’s dangerous for me. If I get into a situation where I can’t optimize my routine, or I don’t get any kind of breather from work that’s out of alignment, I start to go back into a very dark place.
So, right now, as much as I want to be positive, I’m saying fuck it to all of it. I’m letting myself feel small and frustrated and scared and alone. Not because it feels good, but because if I don’t let it out it’s going to come out anyway, in the wrong way, towards the wrong person. And that’s not good for anyone.
I’m trying to follow my own advice and lean into the lesson in all of this. My brain feels too addled to even process what that is, except that I’m still not in alignment with what I want to do. I’m too wrapped up in all the bullshit to even find space and clarity to sink into my creativity. I thought I was progressing into something better than what I was doing, but some days it really doesn’t feel that way. I’m frustrated, I’m drained, and I’m afraid that I’m never going to find a situation that creates a good life-work balance. This was supposed to do that, but it seems like no matter what, something always comes up.
So for now, I’m saying fuck it to all of it. To the lesson, to growth, to gratitude, to everything. Right now I just need to let myself feel upset. You have total permission to do that too. The trick is to let it all release through you, but not stay there and wallow in it. That’s the real danger.
Learning when you really need to just say fuck it is a skill you develop. It involves intuition, embodiment, and self-compassion, among other things. It also means giving yourself permission to feel your feelings without embarrassment or shame – perhaps the most difficult part for me. If you need that permission from outside of yourself right now, I’m here to tell you that it’s okay to let yourself feel everything that you were always told wasn’t socially acceptable. Fuck it. And fuck that.
You got this. Sometimes life feels shitty, and it’s okay to acknowledge that. Don’t let anyone shame you out of your authentic feelings. No one else gets to tell you how to process your emotions. You matter, you are enough just as you are, and I love you.