When you’ve spent the majority of your life in self-doubt, not believing that you’re worthy, and feeling the need to chase after anything and everything, this is more difficult than it sounds.
For years I believed that I was a better person than everyone around me because I constantly gave and never took anything in return. I found my worth in draining myself to make sure that others were happy – but then when anyone wanted to show me kindness, I pushed it away. I didn’t trust that it was safe to receive because there were so many conditions around receiving when I was growing up. I always felt like I had to do everything on my own and that I didn’t want to owe anyone anything. It was a familiar place to be, but also a very lonely one. My self-righteousness got me nowhere. Constantly disappointed in others for not stepping up, I didn’t understand that I was attracting people who only wanted to take from me with my people-pleasing, over-giving methods. Not only that, but I was so walled off to receiving that I found it suspicious when anyone wanted to help me.
It took a lot of inner work and therapy to begin seeing my patterns and the reasons for them. Still, I tend to chase. People (especially men, kill me), jobs, ideas of what I should want or what I should have. The hardest thing for me to do in relationship is trust that I will not have to pursue the people who are supposed to be in my life – because when I didn’t pursue in the past, it always seemed like I ended up completely alone. The part of the puzzle that I overlooked was my defensiveness and inability to receive. Of course I felt lonely. I was incapable of letting anyone in.
So what if instead of feeling like you’re always running after everything you want, and never quite catching it, you trust that you are enough as you are? Without effort? Without having to prove anything to anyone? What if you relax, settle into yourself, and take up the more difficult practice of believing that you are worthy and that what is meant for you will come to you when it’s time?
The hardest thing about this endeavor is that it won’t work until you fully release into it. In order to realize the benefit of trusting, you’ve got to commit to it first. If you dip your toe in, you won’t feel like it’s working and you’ll quit before you give it a chance.
So what if you lean into trust? What if you quit wasting your energy chasing – because anything you have to chase isn’t really for you anyway?
It’s a tough thing to do when you aren’t used to it. Trust me, I know. I’ve been pursuing my whole life, but it doesn’t work. Nothing I’ve chased has ended up being what was really right for me. I believe that you are strong enough to let yourself soften, find vulnerability, and receive.
You’ve got this! Sending you love.