I had a big realization yesterday.
When I’m in the middle of a decision that feels overwhelming, I still try to outsource it. I rely on the universe to send me messages by blocking certain things from happening, rather than trusting what I already know within myself to be true.
To give a specific example, I am trying to decide whether to go to Utah for a backpacking guide job – which would be steady work and good money – or up to Oregon to work part-time for minimum wage on a conservation forest preserve for the summer. My heart wants to do the latter. My brain is telling me that it’s foolish not to do the former.
So, I’ve been agonizing over making the “right” choice, riding the wave of the war between my head and my heart. This is part of my process, waiting it out until I feel all my feelings and can make a decision that sits well with me. But it also feels like a bit of a test – am I going to finally trust myself enough to do what doesn’t feel very safe, but feels right? Or fall back into survival mode where I do what I need to immediately provide for myself, with no regard for what I really want? So that I have some money and security but I’m not fulfilled and purposeful? Again. Like so many other times in the past.
Conveniently, I have not been able to find any housing in Utah. Like, NONE. It’s kind of crazy to me. In my head, I went, great! This keeps me from having to make a hard decision on my own. I can’t even go there because I have no way to live. Thanks, universe.
And then suddenly I saw listings for housing yesterday – and my heart immediately went, no! But I don’t want to work this job! Stop it!
As if that is the determining factor. As if I am not in control, but privy to circumstance, to the whims of the world, to someone deciding to list a rental on a certain day. When I really think about it, that’s ridiculous. And yet I think we all do it pretty frequently – hope that the world will somehow just take care of our decisions for us, so that we don’t have to do hard things. So we can bypass responsibility and if things don’t work out in the end, it wasn’t because we made the “wrong” choice all on our own.
I know what I want. I just still don’t trust myself quite enough to follow through with resolve.
I don’t trust that I will be okay financially. I hear the voices of everyone around me in my head, imagining what they will think and say. I feel the guilt of having applied to and interviewed for a job that, in the end, I don’t particularly feel excited about doing. It’s so easy to fall back into old mindsets and patterns when faced with triggering situations in life. So, here I am, observing myself doing so, and attempting to mindfully, compassionately, and lovingly shift that for myself.
In the end, it all goes back to fear. Not only did I realize that I’m trying to bypass making decisions for myself, I am also giving in to all kinds of ancient fears. Yes, I’ve overcome that trepidation in past scenarios – but I’m learning that dealing with fear is not a one-time thing. I have to keep leaping, because even when I overcome a fear, I can easily settle back into a comfort zone that existed before then. I can say to myself, oh, I can handle fear. I did it that one time. It’s okay if the rest of the time, I stay comfortable and safe, because I know that I COULD do it if I wanted to.
Yeah. That’s not an effective way to live a fulfilling, expansive and meaningful life. But hey, I’m definitely learning a lot about myself right now. This experience is happening for a reason!
Part of stepping out of victimhood and into your light is taking full responsibility for your decisions. Where in your life are you bypassing this? Where do you look for validation outside of yourself to make choices that affect mainly you, or even only you? Are you desperately grasping at “signs” and “the universe” and “fate” to tell you what to do, when you already know deep down that those answers actually live within? Are you responding mindfully to your intuition, or reacting from fear?
I think you know. We all know, even when we don’t want to see or hear it in the moment. We just look for those outside ourselves to confirm what is already the truth. Be gentle with yourself – this is such a human, vulnerable, normal way to function. That doesn’t mean that you can’t shift it when you begin to see it for what it is.
I’m digging deep and practicing compassion for myself right now as part of my process to move through this and move into trusting myself and my intuition more – whether the oracle deck validates me or not! We can look for that outside confirmation in sooooo many places. Try to be observant about whether you are actually listening to yourself, or just shifting to a different mode of outer validation. It’s a tricky thing.
You can learn to trust yourself, and validate yourself by making decisions and accepting responsibility for whatever comes. The more you do this, the more you reinforce yourself and stop sabotaging your self-trust, the stronger and more intuitive you can become. I’m right there working on the same things alongside you. I love you!