I unexpectedly came up against a lot of old shit this week.
Sometimes life reminds you that there is still work to be done in areas you’re avoiding. That trying to skate past issues doesn’t mean they go away. That the pain is always there if you suppress it instead of letting it release through you.
If you are keeping yourself out of all situations that might challenge you to face your old beliefs, you aren’t actually changing your patterns and creating new ones. You might feel better temporarily, but once that situation comes up again – and it will – you’ll find yourself reacting in the same old ways. It’s frustrating and triggering. The universe is trying to help you heal. As long as you keep running away from something, it’ll keep arising in your life.
I found myself in a situation where I realized that I haven’t worked through my need to be chosen by men. If I meet a man that I find attractive, that seems “worthy” and desirable, I want to be wanted by him. It doesn’t matter whether we are actually compatible. It doesn’t matter that I probably wouldn’t even date him if he asked. It doesn’t matter that he’s saving me from myself if he doesn’t, because I might be tempted to get into a relationship that I know isn’t right for me, simply because of my ego. The wounded little girl inside of me, the one that felt rejected, unworthy, unchosen, wants to be be wanted.
I’ve basically avoided all men for months now. I’ve not entertained any thoughts of romance or dating. I have a life to figure out. I don’t even know where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing a month from now. Why would I think about dating? And then, I ended up in a situation where I had to interact closely with someone more interesting than I originally believed. For several days. And in spite of myself – knowing that we wouldn’t work in the slightest – I wanted him to like me. Because of my ego. Because of my wounded inner child. Because he was handsome, fit, funny, accomplished, and smart. I avoided my old patterns instead of healing them, and they came back to haunt me.
This is a self-defeating storyline that I’m well familiar with by this point. I become attracted to someone who isn’t available, or isn’t interested. This then reinforces my feelings of being unworthy and unchosen. I now see what I’m doing, see that I’m keeping myself small and safe by continuing to tell myself that I’m not good enough for anyone. That doesn’t mean it’s easy to change.
I literally spent the whole week fighting with myself. At times I actually argued with myself out loud! I got angry. I raged at my mother, because I know she’s the reason my inner child feels unworthy and unchosen. I cried for all the times I’ve felt this way in the past. I reasoned with myself that I don’t need to be liked by every random desirable man I meet. The important thing is, I didn’t run away from it. I did my best not to fall into the same old habits, to see more clearly than before. Even if I wasn’t totally successful, even if I still felt some pangs of unworthiness, I made progress.
I will most likely never see that guy again. That isn’t relevant – I understand why I had the experience. I no longer stumble blindly through such things without the knowledge that I’m being given an opportunity to learn and grow. To challenge myself to change. To see the weak spots in my quest for self-love and work on strengthening them.
Instead of running away from the obstacle, I ran directly into it. I’m not used to that. It didn’t feel good. But I did it.
Next time something comes up that triggers you deeply, notice if your first instinct is to avoid or to fall into old habits. How does that feel? Is it really helping you, or just deepening your hurt? What would happen if you confronted your feelings head-on instead? If you can find the ability to let yourself feel uncomfortable and nurture the wounded parts of you that are stinging, you can start to heal the pain. If you keep pushing it away, I promise you that similar situations will continue to arise and test you. You cannot keep running from yourself. The pain remains until you choose to heal it.
You’ve got this. I believe that you are brave and strong enough to face your deepest fears and traumas. I know that you don’t want to settle for the same old shit. You are better than that. I know you are. Sending you all my love.