What If You Can Fucking Love Your Life?

If I can do it, you can too.

Up until recently, I did not love my life. I did not feel grateful – I didn’t even want to be in it anymore, honestly. I felt trapped and miserable and like a perpetual failure in the eyes of myself and everyone else. I was stuck in so many self-destructive patterns, left over from years of trauma, nervous system imbalance, and existing in survival mode. I thought that life was always going to happen to me and that I had no control over anything, including my happiness.

In the last year and a half, I have changed in remarkable ways. I never could have guessed that I’d be where I am now. I’m no more stable in the eyes of the “normal” world – in fact, I’m less so. I don’t even have a steady job or a permanent place to live, but I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life. I’ve learned so much about who I am and what I can do. The inner work isn’t easy, and there have been plenty of times when I felt like I was running in place. Healing isn’t simple or we’d all be doing it.

I cannot describe here all the details of the journey I’ve gone through, but I can say that I both know it will be lifelong and I now look forward to that path. I enjoy revealing new layers of myself, learning how my trauma keeps me stuck, and then moving to heal whatever that particular wound may be. I relish feeling uncomfortable because I now know that’s where my growth lies. Perhaps most important of all, I no longer buy into the hustle culture of our society and its way of keeping us all stuck in survival mode. I refuse to live that way. It was killing me, both soul and body. That may not be the most significant overall transformation on my journey, but it is definitely the key to getting myself out of the wretched cycle I found myself in the last fifteen years.

I am now proud of what used to feel embarrassing. I am a creative person, and there is value in my creativity. I am here to expand and embody and live joyfully, not be some robot exploited by our materialistic, consumer-based society. I find all that shit depressing and I will no longer engage in it. And you know what? I used to hate my life, even when it was mostly okay. And now – now I fucking love my life. I don’t necessarily know what comes next, and I’m seeing where it takes me as I go, but I’m here for the ride. I’m happy. I’m strong. I’m grounded and rooted in who I am. I love and celebrate myself. I know that nothing here on this earth defines me – not my job, or my social standing, or my relationship status, or my thoughts and emotions. I am so much more than any of that.

Trust me – if I can move from suicidal depression to where I am today in a mere 18 months, there’s hope for you too. Even when you don’t feel like it. Even when it seems like the tunnel is narrowing and you can no longer see any light. Even when it seems like you’re screaming into the void and no one cares. Those are all stories in your mind, and they aren’t true. When you begin to understand that you are not your stories, everything starts to change.

You can get to a place where you fucking love your life. The work is worth it. I can tell you that from my own experience. I am grateful beyond all belief that I am still here and that I get to experience life as I am today. It’s made all the more beautiful by the darkness I crawled away from. You deserve to be happy. I love you.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s