That’s right, I said it. You enjoy the chaos around you. As much as you deny it, you’re here for it. If you weren’t, you’d stop engaging.
You might not enjoy it in the typical sense of the word – you might enjoy, for example, how it distracts you from yourself. You might enjoy the opportunity to feel important or relevant in a situation, no matter how ridiculous and dramatic it might be. You might enjoy attention, even toxic attention, because you feel otherwise unseen and unheard. You might even enjoy the communal feeling of bitching with others about a common grievance.
We as humans unfortunately tend to bond most easily over shared negativity. We also like being pulled out of ourselves into the problems of others. It gives us an opportunity to delay looking at our own shit. If you’re talented enough at engaging in the drama of other people, you might be able to avoid yourself your entire life! But what kind of life is that, really?
Most of us are terrified to sit in stillness with ourselves. We are afraid that if we look at our emotions, our traumas, our fears, hopes, and dreams… we may not be able to handle them. We think that if we go too deep within, we will never resurface.
I understand. I felt that way too, not so long ago. Moving through life like an open wound isn’t very fun, but I didn’t know any other way. Ironically, attempting to suppress all the feelings within made me a live wire, unpredictable and reactive.
The thing about emotions is that they don’t go away when we deny them. They remain stuck in our bodies, creating energy blockages. They lead to poor mental health, physical problems, and dis-ease. Even worse, when we use the chaos outside of us to distract ourselves, we take on the burden of others as well. We are then carrying the weight of stress that isn’t even ours, all in the name of avoiding ourselves! Doesn’t that seem ridiculous?
And yet, we are all carrying the baggage of others. When we willingly throw ourselves into drama, we bury ourselves further, suffocating under lost hope and unnecessary toxicity. It’s time to cut it out.
When you begin to love and respect yourself, you also begin to establish boundaries. You quit inviting chaos into your life. When you can sit with yourself and accept exactly who you are, where you are, you don’t need that outside noise. You start to realize how very unnecessary it is. You let go of people and situations that bring down your vibration. When you decide to take care of yourself, you are willing to release the rest. Putting your own peace first is the healthiest thing you’ll ever do.
The first step is admitting that you are attached to chaos because you are avoiding something within yourself. The next is finding what you’re avoiding and sitting with it – no matter how intimidating or scary. Slowly you learn to tolerate it, then accept it, then embrace it lovingly. When you learn to love all parts of your being, you develop boundaries. When you develop boundaries, you value your own time and energy enough to say no to chaos.
You can do this! There’s no shame in coping mechanisms. We all have them. But, it’s time to level up and start releasing them. Keep doing your work. I love you!