Wanna know why I’m here writing this? Because I needed a way to get myself off my phone.

I don’t know why, but some days it’s like I just cannot get myself to stop scrolling. It’s bizarre, and it frankly creeps me out. I am the person who waited forever to get a smartphone because I didn’t want to be addicted to it – and now here I am, worse than a lot of the people I know. It’s not a cute look.

The funny thing is that when my phone isn’t available, I really don’t miss it. If I’m out on a backpacking trip or somewhere else I don’t get service, I don’t even think about it. I’m glad of that, but not proud of the way it’s become a crutch the rest of the time.

I know we all have ways of distracting and numbing ourselves – low level addictions. Just because it isn’t obviously harmful, doesn’t mean it isn’t doing you harm. Is it keeping you small and comfortable and discontent? Is it taking your time and energy away from what you are meant to be doing with your life force? Well then, it is doing you harm. Whether it appears to be harmful on the surface or not.

I’m here because I haven’t yet kicked my coping mechanisms. I know that I should work on the various projects on my list, or at the very least meditate, stretch and get myself ready for bed. I know that I’d feel better, sleep better, wake up happier. And yet, I still reach for the quick hit of dopamine, the instant gratification of distracting myself from the fact that I just went on (yet another) boring date. That my job doesn’t fulfill me. That I don’t love the place where I live. And so on and so forth. I am continuing this vicious cycle of dissatisfaction by not using my time to instead take care of myself and move towards the things I want. The worst part is that now, I no longer do it out of ignorance. I know exactly what’s happening, and I’m doing it anyways.

I’m trying to be gentle with myself – I know this isn’t easy work. I know I’m unlearning decades of survival responses and numbing tactics. I already did some energy work today – I’m not completely lost! I just want to get to the place where I turn towards the medicine instead of the poison, every time. Instead of only once in a while.

How are you feeling? Do you notice your procrastination and numbing habits? Have you done anything to shift them?I know it’s hard, but it’s worth it. I’m going to get there, and so are you. Sending you love.